I've TiVoed the two-hour, double episodes premiere and I'm going to watch now. Run! Run like the wind, dear reader. I see dead things. I'm warning you. My psychic bunion is warning you. My psychic bunion loves you.
Or, you can read my observations.
I wish I was a drinker.
'The World's Funniest Comics Stack Up,' While NBC Sticks Us
Press "Play."Darn it, TiVo works.
:00 -- New Last Comic Standing host Bill Bellamy reads aloud, loudly: "This season, we're going worldwide. We'll travel the globe to see how the world's funniest comics stack up against America's best. The top comics from each country will then battle it out on one international stage for an exclusive NBC talent contract, a Bravo comedy special, and $250,000. One international search over three continents with thousands of comics, but only one will be The Last Comic Standing!!!"
Orgasm.
Let's see. "Over three continents," but less than seven. Yep, that's the whole world! I'm standing corrected.
Mere seconds in, the taint is rising. This program is ON THE CHEAP! Only $250,000 for the grand prize winner? That is such small-time TV change. Are we in 1978? Why not have the duck come down with a hundred dollars?
We are being duped.
An "exclusive NBC talent contract" costs little. It's like a movie theatre giving you a free pass. It's of no consequence to them.
And, this is important, the "exclusive NBC talent contract" is more beneficial to NBC! Tie that naive child up.
Same for the Bravo special. That's inexpensive programming for NBC-owned Bravo, and even if the lens cap is left on, big deal. Only a snooty guy with a monocle and three lepers with no fingers for the remote control watch Bravo.
Where's the year's supply of Turtle Wax and the carton of Pall Malls?
01: New York Auditions -- We meet "Talent Scouts" Kathleen Madigan, Alonzo Bodden, and ANT, all former Last Comic Standing contestants and, obviously, Best Comics Available.
Amateur Night
Brief snippets of comic hopefuls, including a "combat dancer" and puppets, are montaged.Alonzo says: "I hate 'middle of the road.' I hate 'I'm going to play it safe.' I want to see originality. I want people to bring it. That's what I'm looking for."
Alonzo, you're on NBC.
Alonzo, you're a TV "Talent Scout."
Alonzo, you fling it.
Outside, Bill Bellamy works the contestants' queue. He does generic telethon chatter reminiscent of high school pep rallies. I would know. I used to lead high school pep rallies and chat generically on telethons. He adds nothing. He seems like a nice man, yet moments into the show, I am embarrassed for him. Those yummy noises!
:11 -- First commercial break. Yay! It's the first time ever I didn't fast-forward the TiVo through ads.
The auditions continue. More quick editing. It's obvious the producers are going for sound bites. This is NOT a show about comedy craft and watching the fine art of stand-up. It's about tiny moments and razzle-dazzling the drooling home viewers to think they are actually being entertained. I feel contempt.
:21 -- New York Showcase. Selected contestants put on a show before a live audience of goosed yahoos and the aforementioned Talent Scouts, who also judge (another cost-saving move).
Bellamy warms-up the crowd and is competent in the sliver shown.
The maddening fast cuts continue. It's like a bad Bob Hope special when that poor man was in his 90s and had lost his chops and his health. The show we see is made in the editing room, not on that stage. We can smell the producers' flop sweat. The video is mildewed.
Moving on Up and Moving on Out of the Room
:26 -- Commercial break. Time again for the entertainment portion of the evening.:34 -- I sighed and paused the TiVo mid-implausibly-selected-faux-funny clip. I'm off to tell my troubles to Mr. Coffee and check email.
Oh, goody, I got spam!
After replying with considered "thank yous" for the kind inquiries about my you know, I left the email and returned professionally to business, not standing Standing.
:45 -- Amy Shumer, Joe DeVito, Arj Barker, Dwayne Kennedy, Lori Chase, and Jane Condon advance to the next round, but not until false suspense is created with long, hokey, dramatic pauses large enough for Lindsay Lohan to drive a car through without hitting anything.
:51 -- Montreal Auditions. More of the same. Lousy comics. Mediocre comics. Strong comics. People-who-happened-to-be-in-the-area comics.
The Talent Scouts continue their remarks scolding how poor or bad the contestants are, but I have noticed these three are not doing much to entertain the viewers either. They are looking less and less humorously credible with every fast edit.
Lord Alonzo is heir apparent to Jerry Lewis' off-putting ego. Sad to see, because I've enjoyed him on The Bob and Tom Show.
It's become painfully obvious that Last Comic Standing is at a disadvantage because the host and judges are not comedians with household names. I'm not saying they aren't talented or worthy.
Make It Credible, Make Me Laugh
This program needs judges who are famous, successful, accepted comedians on the level of, say, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, or Ellen DeGeneres. Even senior comics like Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, Carol Burnett, or Bill Cosby would add so much heft for all audiences.
Instead, we stare and wonder why are these judges here? Are they funny? What have they done? Is there more coffee?
These judges are here because they have low fees and are available for mundane, borderline desperate summer TV filler.
1:03 -- Halfway point. I have yet to laugh out loud. It's not like I haven't been trying.
I feel so sorry for the struggling comics in this ordeal. We aren't getting to see them as they see themselves. Again, the production team devalues the cast to mere seconds and a one-liner or two, if that.
Last Comic Standing is a flimsy platform for anyone. On a talent show like American Idol, the folks get to perform whole songs. This claptrap is insulting to its talent and to its viewers. I was correct in my long-standing distrust of the program. Poor execution and a lame, unnecessary, and unrealistic premise don't make for quality television.
"My name is Mel Silverback. I'm half Jewish, half mountain gorilla. Which means I buy my tires wholesale, but then I swing from them." -- A guy in a light brown tuxedo and monkey costume, The Unknown Comic with mange.1:06 -- Montreal Showcase. The editing pace is speeding up, as less time is given to Canada and I hear no explanation of why.
1:11 -- Commercial break. My apologies for not listing all of the intermissions, but I hate spoilers.