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The Best of "Shit My Dad Says"

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Justin Halpern moved back home with his parents in the summer of 2009. Not good, right? Well, when he started transcribing what his 73-year-old father said to him and posting those sayings to a Twitter account, things took a turn for the better. Thus, "Shit My Dad Says" was born. Soon afterwards, Halpern received a book deal and a development deal from CBS. But before the fame and the glory, there were the really funny tweets. Here's a compilation of the best tweets from Shit My Dad Says.

Note... Justin's dad uses foul language... you've been warned!

August 11th, 2009

"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."

September 6th, 2009

"Who in the fuck is Tila Tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say."

September 14th, 2009

Photo courtesy of "Shit My Dad Says"
"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty."

November 4th, 2009

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

October 1st, 2009

"You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house."

October 14th, 2009

"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."

September 9th, 2009

'You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up."

August 21st, 2009

"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."

September 19th, 2009

"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."

November 10th, 2009

"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not."

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