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The 25 Best Articles from The Onion

15 years of hilarity, condensed for your convenience

By Dave Mellisy

For almost as long as there's been an internet, there's been The Onion. The website, an offshoot of a once-obscure local publication, uses a news format to satirize American culture and American media alike. But of course, you probably already knew that - because before there was College Humor, Funny or Die, or even Fark, there was The Onion. We diced the internet's most venerable humor site to bring you 25 best bits from its long history.

All images courtesy The Onion.

1. Black Guy Asks Nation for Change

The black guy is oddly comfortable demanding change from people he's never even met.
According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.

"The time for change is now," said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change.

2. F*** Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

This parody of the Schick/Gilette razor wars is noteworthy for predating Gilette's actual introduction of a five-blade razor in 2006.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best f***ing razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances.

3. Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell

Printed in The Onion's first post-9/11 edition, this article managed to find humor in a very unfunny situation.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers... But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

4. Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looks Like

So I guess I'm expected to believe that, while watching The Empire Strikes Back, the second act of which is practically all Yoda, not once did you wonder what he looked like naked. And when he died in Return Of The Jedi, his robe remaining on his bed as his body disappeared, you never imagined that robe disappearing with Yoda still lying there on his back, his nude form exposed for all the world to see. Yeah, I am so sure.

5. Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

Put this one in the "almost plausible" category.

As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

6. Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My C***?

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too–big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my c***, that is.

7. Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

I don't even think the writers expected this farcical recap of Bush's inauguration to be so accurate.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

8. Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.

"I've heard some pretty stupid s*** in my time, but that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician. "Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start."

9. Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!

Kind of a horrifyingly perfect metaphor for the end of childhood.

Season's greetings from your old friend Santa! My, oh, my, only 12 nights left until Christmas Eve! Things are getting so close now, we can hardly contain ourselves here at the North Pole. And from the looks of it, my young friend, we're not the only ones set to burst! Why, Jolly Old Saint Nick hasn't seen a Yule log this lit in ages!

Now, don't be shy. You know what Santa's talking about. You just couldn't wait to open your present this year, could you? Ho, ho, ho! Dear child, I saw you masturbating!

10. Why Can't I Sell Any Of These F***ing Bibles?

I didn't waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she'd expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-f***ing-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out.

She didn't answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A f***ing hell of a lot more than $14.99, that's for sure!

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