1. Entertainment

Your suggestion is on its way!

An email with a link to:


was emailed to:

Thanks for sharing About.com with others!

Humor Boy's BlogDon't look at me.

New Fall Season!
Fresh entries at any moment (unless he gets moody again).

The Private Diary of Mike Durrett

 About the Blog
Newest entries are on top. Read from the bottom for best continuity.

 Recent Entries

 More Blog
Archive / Index
Ask Humor Boy
Top Lists

 About Humor Boy
• Bio
• Quotes
• Wish List
• Contact

 Humor Boy's Plugs
• Top 10 Scary Movie Comedies
• Top 10 Funny Scary Movies
• Top 10 Jerry Seinfeld Collectibles and Gifts

 Humor Today
• Entertainment News
• Late-Night Comedy
• Sounds
• TV
• Video/DVD
• Comic Strips
• Funny Site of the Day
• Humor Boy's Blog

:: The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services says: "Colonoscopy lets the physician look inside your entire large intestine, from the lowest part, the (you know), all the way up through the colon to the lower end of the small intestine." A long, long, lloonnnnnnnggg, flexible roving tube is inserted with a teensy light, camera, and blower. Let's get naked!

Top 12 Joys During a Colonoscopy Examination
Friday, October 18 :: 8:31 p.m. :: permalink

12. The pre-show cleansing -- known at my house as "The Bottomless Spit."

11. There's nothing to hit the fan.

10. Anal probe makes you eligible for guest appearance on "South Park."

9. Crack navigation provides little chance of colliding with iceberg.

8. Zany rectal air hose makes you feel you can fly over Macy's parade.

7. Any loose change found is yours!

6. Sedatives hallucination transforms doctor into Jim Henson and you're a Muppet.

5. Don't need to wear dress-up clothes to get pictures taken. Eight-by-10s and wallets prescribed and autographed by physician.

4. That's you on the video monitor -- and, no, you don't have tunnel vision.

3. Intestinal muscle spasms taped for MTV.

2. You have a textbook colon. The bad news: You can only use a school potty.

And the number one joy during a colonoscopy examination:

Medical team refers to you as "The Outback Snakehouse."

Copyright ©2002 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Mikey's Colonoscopy Corner
Thursday, October 17 :: 5:37 p.m. :: permalink

I endured a long Tuesday, fasting in preparation for my colonoscopy.

Kids, that's one of the perks of growing older.

I'm up to anal probes and Subway sandwich discounts.

A few more years, diapers and free beets.

My doctor assured me a colonoscopy is a normal part of a physical exam for people my age. He said it from the little smiley face drawn on his prostate-checking finger.

--Oh, pardon me for not introducing you. He's Clutch Hangnail.

So, I abandoned food for 35 hours and drank enough water to flood my system and float a boat to see Popeye 'n' Swee'Pea and drink their water.

Then came the mystery cleansing goo, a grizzly, noxious concoction I guzzled down, evacuating everything from my digestive system, plus, maybe, a spine I kept in the back.

It was such a pleasant experience, I serenaded the movements with verses of "Whistle While You Duodenum."

Yesterday, upon arriving at the hospital, I was ordered to strip to my socks and model a hospital gown tied in the back. I felt silly vogueing through the Gastrointestinal Lab. Naomi Campbell is looking old.

Shortly thereafter, a nurse wheeled rumperriffic me into the mostly darkened procedure room.

"Ahh," I said, "mood lighting."

I was instructed to roll onto my side because the gala festivities were about to commence. Thank God, there was no national anthem.

Ordinarily, I would've been highly embarrassed to expose myself to four strangers, three female, but I realized I was the only one in the room who did not choose a life of staring up folks. They went to school to do this! It was an elective! If anyone should've been embarrassed, it was the spelunkers.

After sedation, I went out like a light wearing no pants.

The next I knew, I was no longer eligible for virgin sacrifice. It was over.

The verdict? I'm healthy and still saving money at Subway. (Cheese, add 10¢.)

I don't recall, but my wife tells me the doctor said, "Everything looks fine, Mike. You're clean."

Boyishly groggy, I whispered, "Inside and out?"

Bottom line: I never felt the intrusion or discomfort. And I'm still mad no one offered to sit in for me.

Copyright ©2002 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Things to Do Today
Tuesday, October 15 :: 2:37 a.m. :: permalink

Things to Do Today

Copyright ©2002 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

<< Back
| ^^ Top | Previous Blogs Archive | Current Blog

©2015 About.com. All rights reserved.