12 Joys During a Colonoscopy Examination
12. The pre-show cleansing -- known at my house as "The Bottomless Spit."
11. There's nothing to hit the fan.
10. Anal probe makes you eligible for guest appearance on "South Park."
9. Crack navigation provides little chance of colliding with iceberg.
8. Zany rectal air hose makes you feel you can fly over Macy's parade.
7. Any loose change found is yours!
6. Sedatives hallucination transforms doctor into Jim Henson and you're a Muppet.
5. Don't need to wear dress-up clothes to get pictures taken. Eight-by-10s and wallets prescribed and autographed by physician.
4. That's you on the video monitor -- and, no, you don't have tunnel vision.
3. Intestinal muscle spasms taped for MTV.
2. You have a textbook colon. The bad news: You can only use a school potty.
And the number one joy during a colonoscopy examination:
Medical team refers to you as "The
I endured a long Tuesday, fasting in preparation for my colonoscopy.
Kids, that's one of the perks of growing older.
I'm up to anal probes and Subway sandwich discounts.
A few more years, diapers and free beets.
My doctor assured me a colonoscopy is a normal part of a physical exam for people my age. He said it from the little smiley face drawn on his prostate-checking finger.
--Oh, pardon me for not introducing you. He's Clutch Hangnail.
So, I abandoned food for 35 hours and drank enough water to flood my system and float a boat to see Popeye 'n' Swee'Pea and drink their water.
Then came the mystery cleansing goo, a grizzly, noxious concoction I guzzled down, evacuating everything from my digestive system, plus, maybe, a spine I kept in the back.
It was such a pleasant experience, I serenaded the movements with verses of "Whistle While You Duodenum."
Yesterday, upon arriving at the hospital, I was ordered to strip to my socks and model a hospital gown tied in the back. I felt silly vogueing through the Gastrointestinal Lab. Naomi Campbell is looking old.
Shortly thereafter, a
nurse wheeled rumperriffic me into the mostly darkened procedure room.
I was instructed to roll onto my side because the gala festivities were about to commence. Thank God, there was no national anthem.
Ordinarily, I would've been highly embarrassed to expose myself to four strangers, three female, but I realized I was the only one in the room who did not choose a life of staring up folks. They went to school to do this! It was an elective! If anyone should've been embarrassed, it was the spelunkers.
After sedation, I went out like a light wearing no pants.
The next I knew, I was no longer eligible for virgin sacrifice. It was over.
The verdict? I'm healthy and still saving money at Subway. (Cheese, add 10¢.)
I don't recall, but my wife tells me the doctor said, "Everything looks fine, Mike. You're clean."
Boyishly groggy, I whispered, "Inside and out?"
Bottom line: I never
felt the intrusion or discomfort. And I'm still mad no one offered to sit in for me.