:: I moved from The Big City to a beautiful country locale more than three years ago. Life's been sweet, waiting for my jalopy to rust-out on the front lawn near the DayGlo gargoyle, whimsical chainsaw-carved bears, and our hubcap stand. I figure two thunderstorms and a frog-strangler should do it. Then, only one mo' thang before we assimilate completely into undercover Witness Protection Program society. Git our 'neck names. I looked through some redneck resources and name generators and found a special one at Internet Junk, easy 'nuff. I typed my squeeze's name into this here appellation-distributor gizmo and, instantly, there'd be her new handle! Looky...
"Donna Durrett Ooo-Eee! I gots me a new woman! Heh-heh. Now, if I could only get Missus Smead to smoke and hack and rear me a Dodge Dart full of drool babies. I typed another name.
"Momma Durrett Suzy-Lee would like that name, if she weren't deceased. I hanker I'll bobtail over and Dyno-label her plot. Time to assert my old man's name into the machinery ...
"Absentee Daddy
Durrett Too bad he's daid. That's a fancy lookin' name on checks of genu-wine rubber. Say, my cat requires a new nom de guerre, too. Shoot, I reckon.
"Professor Kelp Not since we spread the higher priced poop litter! Heh-heh. He's delightfully undusty. I shall call him Clumpy Tuskwort. Hey, our other, littlest kitty needs a name. Don't fret, they's free! They's free! ...
"Morty S. Tashman That's not what his vet says. Heh-heh. Well, guess I'd better face the music.
"Mike Durrett I - I - I dunno. It's not exactly glamorous, is it? Reminds me of the Fair, when I gobbled for apples on John-Bob Night. I'm still feeling kinda flushed. Hmmm, let's see, my bride baby, she calls me "Baby." I should prolly trade-in that name.
"Baby Hey-heh. Luv it! I thought
it said "Toolkit." But, that's me. Harry Toolookat. That could fit. Guess I
needs to let my ears grow out and stop the back plucks.
1. What size shoe do
you wear? At the moment, if you must know, I'm shoeless. I'm squeezed into extra-long tube socks. I may need to change into a pair of sleeping bags. 2. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Four in current rotation.
And the time-share mukluks. I wear sneakers
exclusively. Being a vegetarian, I won't purchase leather. All my shoes are canvas. All my
meals taste like canvas. Actually, my favorite
shoes are my Tigger slippers. I wear them during the cold weather months. They're cozy and
people stay out of my way at the Wal-Mart. One hundred dollars -- but
that includes the money I lost walking out of Adam Sandler movies.
Top
15 Translations of Alien Crop Circle Signs 15. "Got Milk?" 14. "Last Planet Before the Skyway" 13. "Clean Restrooms, 12 Miles" 12. "When in Southern California, Visit Universal City" 11. "Neptune Starbucks, Open 'Til Midnight" 10. "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity®, Only at Intergalactic House of Pancakes" 9. "McDonald's Next Exit, Mothership Drivers Eat Free" 8. "Marvin the Martian Was Here" 7. "Sigourney Lives!" 6. "Honk, if You Love Shatner" 5. "For a good time, call Jolly Green Giant ... 555-NIBLETS" 4. "'Star Trek Nemesis,' 12 • 13 • 02" 3. "Gort! Klaatu barada Hooters!" 2. "Welcome to Earth: An AOL Time-Warner Company" And the number one translation of alien crop circle signs: "You Must Be This Tall to
Invade"
Unless noted, all content written and copyright ©2002 by Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.
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