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The Private Diary of Mike Durrett

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My Redneck Family, Momma and Them

Saturday, October 5 :: 5:16 a.m. :: permalink

:: I moved from The Big City to a beautiful country locale more than three years ago. Life's been sweet, waiting for my jalopy to rust-out on the front lawn near the DayGlo gargoyle, whimsical chainsaw-carved bears, and our hubcap stand. I figure two thunderstorms and a frog-strangler should do it.

Then, only one mo' thang before we assimilate completely into undercover Witness Protection Program society. Git our 'neck names.

I looked through some redneck resources and name generators and found a special one at Internet Junk, easy 'nuff. I typed my squeeze's name into this here appellation-distributor gizmo and, instantly, there'd be her new handle! Looky...

The Redneck Name Generator. What's your redneck name?
What's Your Redneck Name? Images courtesy of Internet Junk.

"Donna Durrett
from this day forward your redneck name will be:
Irma Smead"

Ooo-Eee! I gots me a new woman! Heh-heh. Now, if I could only get Missus Smead to smoke and hack and rear me a Dodge Dart full of drool babies.

I typed another name.

The Redneck Name Generator. What's your redneck name?

"Momma Durrett
from this day forward your redneck name will be:
Suzy-Lee Beaver"

Suzy-Lee would like that name, if she weren't deceased. I hanker I'll bobtail over and Dyno-label her plot.

Time to assert my old man's name into the machinery ...

The Redneck Name Generator. What's your redneck name?

"Absentee Daddy Durrett
from this day forward your redneck name will be:
Clarence Farnsworth"

Too bad he's daid. That's a fancy lookin' name on checks of genu-wine rubber.

Say, my cat requires a new nom de guerre, too.

Shoot, I reckon.

The Redneck Name Generator. What's your redneck name?

"Professor Kelp
from this day forward your redneck name will be:
Dusty Tuskwort"

Not since we spread the higher priced poop litter! Heh-heh. He's delightfully undusty. I shall call him Clumpy Tuskwort.

Hey, our other, littlest kitty needs a name. Don't fret, they's free! They's free! ...

The Redneck Name Generator. What's your redneck name?

"Morty S. Tashman
from this day forward your redneck name will be:
Studley Briggs"

That's not what his vet says. Heh-heh.

Well, guess I'd better face the music.

The Redneck Name Generator. What's your redneck name?

"Mike Durrett
from this day forward your redneck name will be:
John-Bob Knight"

I - I - I dunno. It's not exactly glamorous, is it? Reminds me of the Fair, when I gobbled for apples on John-Bob Night.

I'm still feeling kinda flushed.

Hmmm, let's see, my bride baby, she calls me "Baby." I should prolly trade-in that name.

The Redneck Name Generator. What's your redneck name?

"Baby
from this day forward your redneck name will be:
Harry-Dean Toolookat"

Hey-heh. Luv it! I thought it said "Toolkit." But, that's me. Harry Toolookat. That could fit. Guess I needs to let my ears grow out and stop the back plucks.




Shoe Business: Ask Humor Boy
Friday, October 4 :: 4:09 a.m. :: permalink

friday five

Questions for Mr. Boy

1. What size shoe do you wear?

Grrrrrr. I hate when I'm asked this question. I'll have you know my wife and I are VERY happily married, thank you. Donna likes me no matter what size my shoes. Besides, as she says, "It's not the size of the feet, it's what you do-is-do with them."

At the moment, if you must know, I'm shoeless. I'm squeezed into extra-long tube socks.

I may need to change into a pair of sleeping bags.

2. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Four in current rotation. And the time-share mukluks.

3. What type of shoe do you prefer (boots, sneakers, pumps, etc.)?

I wear sneakers exclusively. Being a vegetarian, I won't purchase leather. All my shoes are canvas. All my meals taste like canvas.

4. Describe your favorite pair of shoes. Why are they your favorite?

Actually, my favorite shoes are my Tigger slippers. I wear them during the cold weather months. They're cozy and people stay out of my way at the Wal-Mart.

5. What's the most you've spent on one pair of shoes?

One hundred dollars -- but that includes the money I lost walking out of Adam Sandler movies.




:: I saw Mel Gibson's movie, "Signs." It seems those mysterious crop circles are believed to be messages for spooky green travelers from outer space!

Top 15 Translations of Alien Crop Circle Signs
Monday, September 30 :: 6:16 p.m. :: permalink

15. "Got Milk?"

14. "Last Planet Before the Skyway"

13. "Clean Restrooms, 12 Miles"

12. "When in Southern California, Visit Universal City"

11. "Neptune Starbucks, Open 'Til Midnight"

10. "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity®, Only at Intergalactic House of Pancakes"

9. "McDonald's Next Exit, Mothership Drivers Eat Free"

8. "Marvin the Martian Was Here"

7. "Sigourney Lives!"

6. "Honk, if You Love Shatner"

5. "For a good time, call Jolly Green Giant ... 555-NIBLETS"

4. "'Star Trek Nemesis,' 12 • 13 • 02"

3. "Gort! Klaatu barada Hooters!"

2. "Welcome to Earth: An AOL Time-Warner Company"

And the number one translation of alien crop circle signs:

"You Must Be This Tall to Invade"




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