1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind? I enjoy a good nap with my cats, except Kelp insists we go to a motel and Morty meows incessantly for me to insert quarters into the Magic Paws. We used to go to full-service hotels, until I was creamed by room service. As for unwinding? I
pirouette a lot. Most anything without cat
box. Do both involve pudding?
Will there be dancing? What am I wearing? Giving me free, three-hour massages -- and writing me generous contribution checks to ensure my financial security and McFlurry fetish.
:: I televisioned into ABC last night for the special announcement, checking to see if I am the new "The Bachelor." I'm not. Oh, well, I suppose that'll be welcomed news on my wife's side of the sheets. Knowing her, she'd probably have something to say if I started dating. It's been made abundantly clear to me there's one thing she will not tolerate: tsunamis in the waterbed. Especially from tourists. She does love her sleep. Our waterbed, frankly, has been a disappointment. Only when I'm home alone do I get to pull out my surfboard. I like to grab a big wave and hang ten right into the wall. That always leads to good napping. I think I scared the lass on our honeymoon when I wiggled my flippers and snap-on dorsal fin at her and dived in. (That's also when she spawned my nickname, "Belly-Flop.") Let's just say she's not a fan of bed swells. To calm me down, she had my snorkel neutered. And it was a fancy one
with a ball valve.
:: 10. "Grease"d $49 a ticket. 9. Amphitheater replaced deadly mosquitoes with West Nile dingoes. 8. Intoxicated teenage koalas puking in aisle. 7. Olivia still sunny. Baby Boomer crowd foggy with occasional showers. 6. She ages gracefully with updated lyrics: "Hopelessly Devoted to Youth," "Let's Get a Physical," and "Have You Never Gummed Jell-O." 5. "Dolphin Song" nowhere to be heard. Souvenir prices slashed for Blowout Blowholes. 4. Olivia refers to kisses from John Travolta as "throw another Barbarino on the shrimp." 3. By second tune, homeless village constructed in mosh pit. 2. The irony in my rendition of "You're the One That I Want, Oo! Oo! Oo!" at the urinal. Followed by a standing ovation. And the number one surprise at the Olivia Newton-John concert: Only took three minutes, nine seconds
to spot the black guy in the audience.
:: 10. Too funny in May. Gave competition chance to catch up. 9. Although doctor cautioned me, "Use it or lose it," smart-ass showed no signs of atrophy. 8. Couldn't find Blog under deluge of pop-up windows. 7. Worried sick about Ben Affleck's rug. 6. Booked discount cruise on garbage barge, S.S. Titanic II. Knocked overboard by errant iceberg lettuce. 5. Osama Bin Laden hiding out in Blog for summer. 4. Spent August coaching wife through "American Midol" competition. 3. Researched top secret Science Fair project: "Bounty Towel Challenge vs. Savion Glover's Sweat Spews." 2. Why bother? Until Rosie O'Donnell quit her magazine, I could never reign as publishing world's Chubbiest, Theoretically-Comical, Loudmouthed Lesbian. And the number one excuse why I, Humor Boy, took four months to write a new Blog entry: Even I wasn't reading the damn thing. << Back | ^^ Top | Previous Blogs Archive | Current Blog Unless noted, all content written and copyright ©2002 by Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.
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