THE
MIKE
DURRETT
SHOW
Today's Episode:
The President's Pants Are Missing
Content alert! Some readers may find this material offensive. God knows, I do.
Dateline: 08/03/98
Hi.
Today, a change of pace. Ever since I became the Mining Co.'s Humor Guide, I have intentionally shied away from politics. For a comedian, it can be the kiss of death.
I feel compelled to step forward because current events have returned Humor to the political arena big time. I would be negligent not to enter this pit.
For years, I have read and listened to the barrage of quips centered on the William Jefferson Clinton White House. Through the many scandals and embarrassments, real or imagined -- Travelgate, Filegate, Whitewatergate, to name a few -- nothing has rocked our nation's sense of Humor, like what has become known as Zippergate (although, I find Fornigate much more apropos).
Our professional wits, of course, jumped on this comic treasure chest when it first surfaced; and the public has followed suit in a similar frenzy. In this past week alone, I have heard level-headed men and women on once benign radio programs refer to our president -- our country's moral compass -- in reverent terms such as "President Dangle" and "The First Wad," and "If it's on the dress, he must confess."
Sexual references that were never, ever spoken in polite society at the dawn of 1998 have become everyday niceties, as American as apple pie. What has happened? And why have we degenerated to this level? Ask yourself, citizen, while you peruse the following mainstream quotations from recent American history.
"Semen on a New Dress/Good Golly, Miss Monica"
(to the tune of "Devil in a Blue Dress")
"The Commander-in-Chief says, 'You do it so well'
'I love it, you creep!' says Monica L.
Poor Hillary's working on 'It Takes A Village'
While Miss Lewinsky's dress gets a Big Ole' Spillage
She's not too skinny, she's not too fat
Every President wants an Intern like that
Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found..."
Jim Rosenberg, The Daily Monologue
"The United States is in the middle of a heat wave that's really nasty, all over this country. The only chilly spot on the east coast today is Clinton's dinner table."
David Letterman, Late Show
"In fact, today in Washington it was so hot, Monica Lewinsky's dress had stains on it just from perspiration."
Jay Leno, The Tonight Show
"Presidential foot-in-mouth-piece Mike McCurry said, 'The worst is that she's going to give complete and truthful testimony and, if she does, that should post no problem to the President.' McCurry then added, 'And the White House is deeply saddened by her sudden death... uh... wait a minute that's tomorrow's press conference.'"
The Daily Show
"Monica came to New York a couple of days ago and met with Ken Starr's people. She took a break and she went out shopping and I thought, well, that's nice to see her blowing money for a change."
David Letterman
"Did you inhale?"
Top Ten Questions Ken Starr Plans to Ask Monica Lewinsky
David Letterman
"It's a good thing Clinton didn't go to Vietnam. He's obviously a terrible shot."
Jay Leno
"This looks bad for Clinton that they have this dress now, because you know, I'm not saying that it's Clinton's semen on it; but they put it under a microscope, and the sperm were attending a fund-raiser."
Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect
President Clinton is worried. President Clinton is so scared, right now he's under his desk."
David Letterman
"More people believe O.J. Simpson than believe the President of the United States."
Jay Leno
"Ken Starr and his investigators say they have photos of Monica Lewinsky staring into the President's eyes. Staring into his eyes? What the Hell was she using? A periscope?"
David Letterman
"Hillary Rodham Clinton is compiling 'Dear Socks, Dear Buddy,' a selection of letters children have sent to the White House pets. There are no plans at the moment to publish, 'Dear Big Creep, Dear Jerko,' a collection of pornographic letters White House Interns have sent to her husband."
Jim Rosenberg
"As for dear, dear Monica, she has agreed to submit as evidence the infamous 'semen-encrusted dress' reputedly glazed by the presidential frosting funnel. Her mom says she might have some trouble finding the garment, because Monica has a closet full of summer 'and' winter encrusted dresses. "
The Daily Show
"This dress has been nothing but an embarrassment for the President and the women in his life. Take that one White House event where both Monica Lewinsky and Kathleen Willey showed up wearing the same stain. I mean, that's embarrassing."
Bill Maher
"Check out Paula Jones after nose job. Hit on her?"
Top Ten Things on Clinton's To Do List
David Letterman
"Pundit Paul Rice said, 'He (Clinton) may have committed perjury twice, and she once, but he looks to be more credible.' However, White House insiders say at this point, the President only looks sincere when he's pissed-off or eating."
The Daily Show
"Political pundits... they're talking about impeachment. Oh, c'mon, let's look at it this way. President Clinton is going on a vacation for a month in August with Hillary. Now, isn't that punishment enough?"
David Letterman
"Old Man Zipper"
(to the tune of "Old Man River")
"We gave Bill Clinton
Our test on morals.
He passed the written,
but flunked the orals!
And Old Man Zipper,
he keeps stonewalling along."
The Capitol Steps (from Unzippin' My Doo-dah)
"Remember when a president left his mark, it meant a whole different--"
Jay Leno
Why, yes, I do. I can remember being a small school boy and being taught -- whether the gentleman was right or wrong -- to look up to the President of the United States. It saddens me that our children are now being taught to look up at the President of the United States from their knees.
This "funny" furor will dissipate over time. But do not make the mistake of believing it will vanish. Just like we the people still make jokes about George Washington, this sucker ain't ever going away. The irony is Mr. Clinton, not through his politics, but through his alleged personal conduct, is now and forever a comedic pimple on our collective butts.
During the Clinton administration years, I've heard rhapsodies of how the leader of The Greatest Nation in the World has been on a quest for his legacy.
Now, he's found it.
It's right there in his lap.
About Your Guide: Mike Durrett, as an observer and writer of humor, marvels at the infinite comedy possibilities emanating from Zippergate. As an American citizen, he wants to move to Mayberry.
So, what do you think? Our new Humor Bulletin Board is exactly the place to express yourself. Are Zippergate jokes just good clean fun? Or are they sad little markers along The American Way?
The Guide's nutty grand tour of the west is not over. Next: the Grand Canyon. Meanwhile, catch up on earlier episodes of The Mike Durrett Show on the Road....
