Dateline: 06/19/98 I received the photographs back from the drugstore. The ones of our recent trip to the beach. Our favorite beach, The Great American West. Oh, sure, it's desert NOW, but a bahjillionquadtrillion years ago -- before our lifetimes, before Columbus, before Charlton Heston, a whopping portion of our country was under water. You might have owned beach front property in Oklahoma, spending your days grabbing the big waves and eyeballing bikini-clad buffalo. Oh, I know, we've all done that in Panama City or San Diego, but I'm talking Tulsa. To be factual, it was a primitive
beach. No beer. No Spring Breaks. No pups biting the bottoms off the Coppertone girl. And
just try to find a blow-up ducky life preserver. Them ducky preservers
were scarce, I'm told.
Being a boy of the male persuasion, I never cared much for sightseeing. We aren't allowed to like nature's beauty. It's discouraged. Read our job description some time. I slowly cultivated interests for scenery and my tolerance evolved throughout multiple decades. I learned there is astounding beauty all around me. I find I enjoy traveling more and more to experience new vistas, because around home, here in Georgia, our environment consists of repetitious red clay, repetitious kudzu, and repetitious pine trees. We also have a lot of Chick-fil-A's. Grandeur is everywhere! And the waffle fries are mighty beauteous at the Chick-fil-A, too. Those li'l ketchup pouches are havens for pulchritude. Simply open one up and put the innards on the waffle fry of your choice, and, lady or brother, you got yourself a splendiferous view and a brightly colored tummy festival to boot. I discovered man cannot live on fries alone, so I bought me some maps, a road Atlas, and a medical dictionary. I dove into a frenzy of research. Guess what? Man can live on soft-serve ice cream and Mexican food alone. It's a scientific fact. As the saying goes: "A cone and burrito a day keeps the doctor at arms length." It follows in reasoning, if there's a doctor nearby, you can eat pretty much whatever you'd like. He'll be right there to patch or plunge you as needed. Beauty. Beauty. Beauty. Further study, including several phone calls to fellow edibles aficionados, and my uninvited voodoo mental telepathy poltergeist visits to Hank Ketcham, creator of Dennis the Menace, made me see my destiny. Travel -- I must travel west. In the west, there are Taco Bells and Dairy Queens on every corner. If no corners are available, there's a Taco Bell and Dairy Queen on every cactus. I discovered this hitherto unpublished revelation in 1992. We, your Guide and Mrs. your Guide, made our first quest west that summer. Donna and I recently returned to the Guide's Estate and Hyperlinks Compound from our third extensive automobile tour of Dilly Bars and hot salsa. It was good 'til the last chalupa.
Along the way, I noticed, hey, they've
got scenery out west, too. Bonus! The nice artiste took time out for me
from her busy schedule creating never before eaten arrays of banana peppers. She was kind
enough to autograph my lunch in the lower right corner. She used the mustard squirter. The
coveted yellow mustard squirter -- not the spicy. Woo-hoo!
So, I'd like to tell you about our trip. I've got stacks of pictures to share from the most amazing darn beach ever. We'll get in the car and go next article, okay? Sorry, but now, I really must wrap up. Thank you so much, as always, for reading -- uh... Oh oh. BUR-WURPPPPPP!!! 'Scuse me. Read more of this
series now: • Episode 2: Page 2: On the Road to on the Road • Episode 3: On the Road to Discount City • Episode 4: On the Road: From Rush, ah, With Love • Episode 5: Page 1: On the Road: Get on With It! • Episode 5: Page 2: On the Road: Get on With It! • Episode 5: Page 3: On the Road: Get on With It! • Episode 6: Page 1: Rear and Moaning in the Grand Canyon • Episode 6: Page 2: Rear and Moaning in the Grand Canyon • Episode 6: Page 3: Rear and Moaning in the Grand Canyon About Your Guide: Mike Durrett only travels by land. He has not been airborne since 1974, when he accompanied his grandmother's body to her final resting place. In life, she had never flown. If she knew she was flying that day, it would have killed her. Photos used by permission: |
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Today Mike prefers his
oceans waterless, but in 1965, the future About.com Guide and studly Dudley enjoyed a
popular east coast sea. He had not yet acquired his fear of sharks, although many
beachcombers were calling him "Chum" -- and not affectionately.
In
Mystery Valley, Arizona, Donna taunts Mike (wearing white in honor of his favorite
soft-serve flavor) by not sharing her banana split Blizzard shake and threatening to throw
it over the edge if he doesn't eat some good green vegetables soon.
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