THE
MIKE
DURRETT
SHOW
Today's Episode:
Spring Cleaning
Dateline: 04/27/98
Hi, and welcome to the show.
I was just looking out my window and you know what?
Yes, that's right, I am a teddy bear.
But besides that?
Yes, again. It's springtime! And where I'm at, it's springtime down south. Oh, that's sounds lush and romantic, I'm sure; but the truth is, spring in the south is often about foul nature -- thunderstorms, tornadoes, and giant winged-serpents that materialize out of deceitful cumulus clouds and flap and squawk and pluck little boys named "Bubba" from their play. Oh, the giant winged-serpents love the Bubbas. They've even been known to eat Bubbers, because the giant winged-serpents, as a species, don't hear so well. They have trouble with phonics. They make mistakes. They hear the mommers calling the Bubbers and the giant winged-serpents think they hear "Bubba!" -- well, you can see how that happens, can't you? They mean no harm, really. I read it in a book.
Or in that paragraph. I forget.
I actually didn't plan to write about the giant winged-serpents today. It was a surprise to me, too. I wanted to tell you about our springtime thunderstorms. They never end. I find myself crawling under this desk about every 20 minutes to unplug my peecee and the phone line, so I don't get zapped. It gets ridiculous. I'm starting to regret I didn't send a Valentine to my pile carpet.
While I was crawling around on the floor, I couldn't help but notice all of the little scraps of paper that have fallen behind the furniture; so I gathered them up and have been sifting through them, in between my cumulus patrol checks. (Hey, I suspect the giant winged-serpents may be emigres from far-away lands and -- who knows? -- "Mikey" may be an exact translation for "Bubba" -- or worse, yet, "Bubber.")
These notes are odds and ends for various writing projects that weren't used when originally intended because they were lurking and loitering out of sight. (Indulge me, please...) OUTASIGHT! (Thank you. I'm a child of the 60s. It's mandatory.)
I thought I would include some of these items here in this feature because I'd like to tidy up a bit if you don't mind. Why, it's spring cleaning! <he said like a real dweeb, but he was in a hurry to get another glimpse out the window at an omninous duckling-shaped cloud since flying behemoths have a known predilection for duckling cumulus><DAMN YOU GIANT WINGED-SERPENTS!*>< 8-( >**
From my note pile:
In a cost-cutting gesture, Queen Elizabeth agreed to give up her trademark bad hats. In the future, they'll just be dreary.
If the Queen of England would dress better, it might help her image. And it might help The Royal Moth kick anorexia.
The British people spend a fortune supporting the royal family. It takes millions to maintain Buckingham Palace, the yachts, the summer castles -- and when they go camping, the pup castles.
I hear the royals' moat expenses are exorbitant. I don't quibble with them filling up the moats with champagne -- after all, we must be civilized. But tossing in fresh cocktail onions twice a day? Appalling!
...One cocktail onion a day at Happy Hour is sufficient and thrifty. After all, it costs money to have the moats properly shakened.
A recent study reveals dolphins and pygmy chimps are the only animals besides human beings that have sex just for fun. And amazingly enough, like me, the chimps do it for the bananas and cab fare.
Cows do not have sex for fun. Animal physiologists believe this accounts for why you seldom see pierced udder rings.
Oh, that reminds me, I've got another scrap of paper... Yes, here it is. This link is a real find. It's the Nipple Cam! No, no, it's not what you think. It's a guy. Every morning -- his name is Spinn -- he takes a photograph of his left nipple and uploads it onto the Internet.
Right about now, you're probably feeling left out -- don't. The Nipple Cam is interactive. He wants all visitors to his site to vote on the photo of the day. "You can only judge once per nipple," Spinn says. "Score 0.0 to 10."
And be sure to judge for Color, Perkiness, Panache, and Overall Nipplish Quality.
Well, that's enough spring cleaning for one day. I figure I've got maybe six minutes before the storm makes me turn off the computer again. When I crawl behind the desk to unplug, I'll scatter the rest of these notes for next year.
Next week, our feature is Miner's Digest Condensed Looks with the
topic: Television. Until then, I'll leave you with some homework:
Computer
System Downloads Real-Time TV Programs
Television Ends
The Top 17 Least Watched
Cable Channels
Goodnite, everybody!
AND DON'T CALL ME "BUBBER!"
* line typing coached by Academy Award winning actor Charlton Heston.
** sad, down-played beauty coached by Academy Award nominated actress Michelle Pfeiffer. ***
***And if she wasn't, she should've been. That Grease 2... perfection!
About Your Guide: Mike Durrett has started his own business. At prices competitive with Broadway, 25 Riverdance Pest Control exterminators will perform precision line dancing in your home and squash your bugs at the same time.