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The Private Diary of Mike Durrett

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Another Night in Hell
Saturday, April 6 :: 3:44 p.m. :: link

:: I'm all confused. I hate Daylight Saving Time Anxiety Weekend. Is tonight the night we move the clocks?

Now, do we set them forward? Or back? To the left? To the right? On the stoop for the milkman? What do I tip the milkman? 15%, 20%? Will Operators be standing by to take my call? Should I use an extra 60 minutes dollop of beauty salve? Rosie O'Donnell's gay?

It's too much to ask me to keep up with, the clocks. I'm still bleeding from last time, setting the cats ahead an hour.


:: Current mood: frantic
:: Current music: "Cat Scratch Fever"

Brush With Greatness
Saturday, April 6 :: 12:01 a.m. :: link

The Gap-Toothed Celebrity Test

Used by permission

:: Look at me, Mama! Thank you. I'd like to thank the members of the Academy for opening the door to the downtrodden, we with perfectly spaced teeth.

As a boy, I looked up to the dental stylings of Terry-Thomas and David Letterman. I've sung Elton John tunes and now I get to walk a mile in his mouth. I'm honored to be included. Heck, just being nominated was reward enough. Thanks again, floss, and God bless.

This one's for you, Satchmo! ::


:: Current mood: smiley face.
:: Current music: "What a Wonderful World."

My Ziggy Moment
Friday, April 5 :: 2:35 a.m. :: link

:: Strolling through the mall concourse earlier tonight, I nearly bumped into a new kiosk. The tiny shop was wrapped with a giant banner, stating, "ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE."

I would have bought some, but apparently it wasn't frozen yet. ::


:: Current mood: ice cream sammich.
:: Current music: "Nowhere Man."
:: Current mood: sad and hungry.

The #1, All-Time, Top, Best, Funniest Joke Ever
Friday, April 5 :: 12:58 a.m. :: link

:: In 1999, "GQ" polled celebrated comedians and humorists, plus the magazine's own special panel "reviewed in excess of 23,540 jokes, one-liners, witty remarks, stand-up lines and bon mots." That was just the beginning. Eventually, the 75 funniest jokes of all time were determined. Here's the winner:

"I went to my doctor and told him, 'My penis is burning.' He said, 'That means somebody is talking about it.'"

--Garry Shandling ::


:: Current mood: jealous (but only comedically).
:: Current music: snorts and ha-has.

Easter Feaster
Thursday, April 4 :: 1:23 a.m. :: link

:: About this time every year, I am reminded of Easter's sweet, jaw-dropping miracle. And that is this: On Monday, the day after, stores slash leftover holiday candy prices 50 percent!

Shouting "Amen! Amen! And zippety doo dah!" I backed my pickup onto the sidewalk, carefully rolling it to a halt at the Bi-Lo's front door. I meant to do some business.

Sack Boy Walter and Assistant Manager Day Shift Lurleen assumed their positions as I strutted into the marketplace. They tallied my purchases while I tossed multi-colored packages of caramel eggs, jelly beans, and brand name confections over the tailgate. My, oh, my, the Lord's great bounty! Nutty and nougatty visions were scattered high and mightily on the truck bed, surrounding cases of chocolate bunnies and marshmallow poultry.

But, at these savings, who cared?

Final cost: $137.57. Not bad, when you consider I saved $137.57.

Well, that is, if you don't add in the $16,988 for the Dodge Ram I was forced to buy to tote it all home. ::


:: Current mood: bloated and bloated.
:: Current music: wrap. The sound of wrappers, tearing into Krackle.

Berle's Pearl
Wednesday, April 3 :: 5:47 p.m.

:: "Milton Berle was once asked how he became a star. He said 'Well, I started out as a gaseous cloud. Then I cooled.'" --gmslegion ::

A Jolie Time
Wednesday, April 3 :: 2:45 a.m.

:: I visited some other Weblogs and I discovered personality quizzes are very popular, so I decided to fill one out.

Which Angelina Are You?

Posted by permission

1) I assume when they say I am "a free-spirt," they mean "spirit." Yes, I am a free spirit, but I charge for spirts. I have to, union rules.

2) "... with a strong will ..."

Yes, I do have one of those. When I die, it will take a strong heir to accept I'm broke.

And my heir can't have the big tips I'm expecting at the funeral.

I'm also being buried with Groucho Nose Glasses.

3) As for "a strong sense of self," that's nothing an Air-Wick couldn't fix.

4) "You're a vagabond who can't stay in one place too long."

I drink a lot of spirits. Especially when they're free..

5) "You have issues with men ..."

That's categorically untrue! They're "Boy's Life." Can I help it if I'm still learning to tie knots?

6) "And you just might be gay."

Oh, I think it's fair to say I ain't very bubbly at the moment.

But, let's figure this message out. If I were truly Angelina Jolie, I would be a woman. And, if I were a gay woman, I would be attracted to women. So there, that works fine for me because I am attracted to women, which means, as a man, I am not gay.

Either way, I'm avoiding Billy Bob. ::


:: Current mood: not gay
:: Current music: "Judy Garland at Carnegie Hall"
:: Current mood: not gay

Home, Phoning In
Tuesday, April 2 :: 7:46 p.m.

:: Current mood: Extra terrestrially
:: Current music: "(Turn on Your) Heartlight". Listen. Put your hands together. Let me feel the love. Where ya'll from?
:: Current Lyric: by The Essential Mr. Neil Diamond
:: Current jelly: Red Currant

Nagging Question
Tuesday, April 2 :: 5:19 p.m.

April Fool
Tuesday, April 2 :: 11:27 a.m.

:: It's April the Second? No, it's not. Nah, is it?

Oh, man. I wasn't paying attention. This Weblog was only supposed to be an April Fool's bit. Now that I've set a precedent, I'm  trapped. I must continue.

But I have nothing to write about.

Hmm.

Get a life, Mike. ::


:: Current mood: thumbing through 1960 Hayley Mills' LIFE
:: Current music: "(Turn on Your) Heartlight"
:: Current current: high. Next low tide at 3:14.

Serving All Your Blogging Needs Since Yesterday

Solid Cold
Tuesday, April 2 :: 6:32 a.m. :: link

:: Our Monday night shopping spree broke out in an argument, as usual. It happens every time my wife and I go to a supermarket.

"I love it when they play Barry Manilow," Donna chirped.

"Here we go," I muttered under my breath, price comparing the girls in Produce.

"Question: Which is better? Bi-Lo Radio? Or Kroger Radio?"

"Oh, I just can't get enough of 'Turn on Your Heartlight.' Frankly," I said, "I don't much care for either station.

She stretched out a long, exasperated, "Why?!" Then, she gasped the big, airy, trademarked sigh my mother left behind in her will. "H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h..."

"I'll tell you why. They ignore my requests. I've been in this store a billion times and not once have they played "Wipeout" in the Charmin aisle.

"H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h..."

"Here comes that rainy day feeling again," blared from the speakers.

"I'm going next door to the restroom," I said, as Donna scowled at me while she estimated the heft and pelting range of a particularly large grapefruit.

I entered the drugstore to the beat of Wet Willie. Now, Eckerd's Radio, that really rocks! ::


:: Current mood: record low
:: Current music: "(Turn on Your) Heartlight"
:: Current current: AC

Intermission 2: The Reckoning
Monday, April 1 :: 3:52 p.m.

:: I awaken in a cold, puddly sweat, and put on swim trunks.

Back to sleep. ::


:: Current mood: juicy and tender
:: Current music: exhales from snorkel
:: Current electric blanket setting: 23

Intermission
Monday, April 1 :: 2:02 p.m.

:: I awaken in a cold, puddly sweat. Shortness of  breath.

Shortness of wife.

Oh, that's right. She works for a living. She'll be home later.

Shortness of stature.

I guess "not quite 'five feet, eight,'" but I don't bother to find a tape measure.

Back to sleep. ::


:: Current mood: unconscious
:: Current music: "Freddy Krueger Hums Steve and Eydie."
:: Current electric blanket setting: 19

Cool!
Monday, April 1 :: 5:42 a.m.

:: Golly! Our first day out and Humor Boy's Blog was selected as The Funny Site of the Day!

Someone must want to go to bed. ::


:: Current mood: ecstatic
:: Current music: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ...
:: Current electric blanket setting: 12

Serving All Your Blogging Needs Since Today

Blogged Up
Monday, April 1 :: 4:25 a.m.

:: Yeah, this is well thought out.

Six minutes ago, I had an inspiration. I decided to start a Weblog of my exciting life. I'm expecting a new shipment of yawns any moment.

Watch this space. Bring Mentos: The Freshmaker.

(Wasn't that a Robert Urich series?)

:: Easter's over. No bunnies came to visit. A mangled cricket with his hop extracted is in the tub. I suspect the Easter Kitty invaded my bathroom.

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Unless noted, all content written and copyright 2002 by Mike Durrett. All rights reserved. I want a book deal, dammit.

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