Sunday Revival |
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An Article by your Guide Mike
Durrett
Now with Space-Age Author's Notes!
The 10
Commandments vs. The Top Five Lists
The Sabbath began like any other. I crawled from bed, put on my fuzzy Sylvester the Cat
slippers (which I wear to show my kitties who’s boss and teach them the dire
consequences they might suffer should they get under my feet) and inched on to my
sanctuary, the computer.
Pulling myself up onto the desk chair, I spent the next hour or so contemplating life’s greatest joy. I visited the "Peanuts" Web site, put the cursor on Snoopy's stomach, and made him dance.
My actions, by the way, were in strict accordance to the teachings of "The Bible" in "Exodus 20:13." I watched the cartoon beagle romp rhapsodically as I obeyed the Creator, who had decreed “Thou shalt not kill.” And I didt not kill. We shimmiedt.
Author's Note: The world has changed since I originally wrote that anecdote. Snoopy no longer does the dance thingy. I would complain to the Charles Schulz Estate, but then the terrorists win.
I also dideth noteth ignoreth thy commandment, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”
“Amen!” I cried, as I made a note not to get caught up in the current Worship Leonardo DiCaprio Fever and Gang-Swoon®. As far as I’m concerned, Leo is free to become a patron saint, a cherub, or a Waffle House fry cook, but never my god in the line of heavenly succession.
Besides, I think, constitutionally, Newt Gingrich is in front of him.
Author's Note: The world has changed since I originally wrote that whimsical bon mot. Although Leonardo the Gang-Swoonee® is no longer on the babbling lips of an adoring public, I actually find his reference here more satisfying than ever. That, and I'm too lazy to plug-in "Triumph the Insult Comic Dog."
I couldn't recall the other eight or nine of The 10 or 11 Commandments, whichever. Being in a reverential mood, though, I decided to read aloud from the good book:
- "When you're selling emotion, then
it better be real, daddy, or you ain't gonna sell it."
- "I caught a cab cruising up the street. 'Baby, the Copacaboo.'"
- "I shook my fist out the window. ‘Big town, I'll get you yet!'"
"Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis, Jr., a good book, baby. Oohchickachicka, oohchickachicka, oohchickachicka ...
As I passed around the offering plate (those stingy cats gave nada), my mind attempted to list all of The Eight or Dozen Commandments, whatever. I believe number seven is “Thou shalt not smoke.”
Or, maybe, “Thou shalt bring gum for everyone.”
Or, is it, “Tall and tan and young and lovely, The Girl from Ipanema shalt goeth walking?” I forget.
Odd, I can’t remember those biblical rules. I was reading where The Top Five List asked its readers to vote for their favorite Top Five Lists ever. And I bet -- umm, "The Bible" doesn’t say anything against betting does it? -- I bet I can recall those lists by name, amazingly, in reverse chronological order.
Author's Note: The world has changed since I originally wrote that twist. "The Top 10 Top Five Lists of All Time" no longer exists, but The List does list its favorite lists. My favorite lists of The List's favorite lists are listed below. While you decide which list is your favorite list of my favorite lists of their favorite lists, I'll Listerine, savor it, favor it.
Author's Note: I'm the mintiest on my block.
Author's Note: One more thing, I'm looking around and the world hasn't changed since I originally wrote that last Author's Note.
But I have. Ask me what I'm wearing.
Top 10 Favorites of TopFive's Favorites
10) Reasons to Go to Work Naked
9) Fatal
Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife (Part I), (Part II)
8) Valentines for
EX-Valentines
7) Names for Wal-Mart
Wine
6) Slogans for Pot
5) Slogans for Beer
4) TopFive's New
State Mottos
3) The Infamous Chinese
Movie Title List
2) Ways to Tell Someone
Their Fly Is Unzipped
1) Signs Your Cat
is Overweight
Hey, that was pretty impressive. Now, if I could only remember the commandments. Isn’t number two, “Thou shalt not lick thy yummy white stuff center before thou bite thy crisp chocolatey cookie outsides?”
About Your Guide: Mike Durrett was thrown out of Communion for asking the priest to see the dessert menu.
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