THE
MIKE
DURRETT
SHOW
Today's Episode:
And Babies Make Three
Dateline: 03/16/98
Hi, and welcome to the show.
Before we get started, an announcement. The management wants you to know a 15% gratuity will be added for parties of eight or more. Thank you.
The delightful thing I've discovered being a Mining Co. Guide is the fabulously exciting pleasure I receive from the vast piles of email filling my inbox each and every day. Bless you all, and keep 'em coming!
I thought today might be a good time to catch up on my responses; so let's reach into the mailbag and see what's on your minds. In fact, let's just take them hot off the wire as they come in. Here we go... terribly, terribly exciting...
Subject: Email
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:03 a.m.
To: humor.guide@about.com
From: humor.guide@about.com
Don't look at me. You're on your own.
Well, thank you. And thanks for writing.
Subject: Top of Page Photograph
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:05 a.m.
To: humor.guide@about.com
From: humor.guide@about.com
Is that your real nose?
Yes. And thanks for writing.
Subject: Another photograph
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:08 a.m.
To: humor.guide@about.com
From: humor.guide@about.com
What about this picture I've got of you with the scantily-clad halibut?
Umm, I would not know anything about that. I have no idea what you're talking about. And thanks for writing.
Subject: I'm in your house
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:10 a.m.
To: humor.guide@about.com
From: humor.guide@about.com
Sure you do, Nose Job Boy. That picture you keep in your dimly-lit linen closet behind the giant tattered Garfield beach towel under the splintery loose board in your tear-stained (wink-wink) copy of Wild About Halibut: Cold, Wet and Scaly.
Those aren't tear stains. That's tartar sauce.
That's not me, that's you Lester. Now get off my computer. I mean it.
And thanks for writing.
Subject: Wink-wink
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:13 a.m.
To: humor.guide@about.com
From: humor.guide@about.com
Hi there, sailor. New in port?
CONNIE! YOU, TOO! GET OFF MY COMPUTER! AND THANKS FOR WRITING!
Subject: Happy Birthday to ME-EEEEEE-EE-EEE!
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:15 a.m.
To: humor.guide@about.com
From: www.jerrylewiscomedy.com*
Hello Mister Man Person:
I hear you're a fan. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party tonight, but Lester and Connie are scaring my daughter. Me three. I'll check back in another 72 years.
JL
Aarrgh! I won't get to talk with my hero because of Connie and that jerk Lester. Ooooooo! I'm so angry, I'm gonna implode!
Subject: Another birthday
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:17 a.m.
To: humor.gui--
Pardon me for breaking in. I forgot something. And thanks for writing. Okay, your turn.
Subject: Another birthday
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:17 a.m.
To: humor.guide@about.com
From: humor.guide@about.com
Say, Plastic Proboscis, isn't your birthday on Friday? Do Connie and me get presents, too?
No, Lester, you don't. Your birthday is June 23rd and Connie's is September 7th. Why would you get presents on mine, March 20th? And thanks for writing.
Stupid clones.
Subject: Lies! Lies! Lies!
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:19 a.m.
To: Big Liar <humor.guide@about.com>
From: bert@sesame.st.*
I don't care about your birthday or your nose. I do care about that comment you made last week regarding Mr. Rogers and the Kennedy assassination. He didn't do it. I know. I was there. And thanks for nothing.
Bert
It was a joke. We all know Fred Rogers didn't shoot JFK, nor did you shoot him either, Bert. That would be ridiculous. It was Elvis. And, Elvis, thanks for writhing.
Okay, time for one more....
Subject: Send in the Clones' Presents
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 9:21 a.m.
To: Cheap Bastard with Fake Schnoz <humor.guide@about.com>
From: Your Evil Twins <humor.guide@about.com>
Me and Connie took a vote. We set-up the polling booth behind the shower curtain. We demand presents on Friday, OUR BIRTHDAY!
Lester, look, we are triplets. You and Connie are my real-time clones. That doesn't mean we have the same birthday. We have the same nose, yes -- original factory equipment -- but not the same birthday. Here, look at our baby pictures:
Mikey Lester Connie
All at age six months
And thanks for writing.
About Your Guide: In 1997, Mike Durrett was cloned by a door-to-door mad scientist, twice. Lester's sole purpose of life is to stand in line at the tag office. Whenever Mike has the urge to get in touch with his feminine side, he emails Connie.
Thanks to Rob Rasmussen for cloning assistance.
*Celebrity typing impersonated.
