Dateline: 02/25/99

THE MIKE DURRETT SHOW Episode Three: My Diet Diary or Grandson of Blubber or Scouting for Snacks or It's My Portly and I'll Cryonics if I Want To

My mission from flab is not proceeding as designed. This diet may be the hardest thing I've ever faced -- well, excepting that time I was trapped in Siegfried and Roy's mink hamper.

But that's another story for another day. Here are some more excerpts from my growing reducing journal...

177 lbs.           Jan. 29: Day 17

My weight's up since yesterday. Net loss: five pounds. Twenty-five to go.

Determined to make my stomach shrink, I spent hours scouring the stores for Preparation H Bubble Bath.

177 lbs.           Jan. 30: Day 18

I took my girth to a noted London psychiatrist, who managed to shrink my wallet 60 pounds.

177 lbs.            Jan. 31: Day 19

My wife and I drove to Dothan, Alabama, for our godson's Eagle Scout ceremony. Afterwards, there was a reception. It was doubly delightful. I inhaled cheese cubes and our boy Jeremy got a bonus merit badge for extracting toothpicks from my nostrils with a timber hitch.

176 lbs.             Feb. 1: Day 20

Returning home, beaming with pride over the Scouting event, I taught myself to tie knots in a rope. Later, from a reclining position on the sofa, I lassoed the refrigerator door handle open and caught a trout with a fisherman's bend.

Unfortunately, I'm a vegetarian; so I had to throw it back in.

175 lbs.              Feb 2: Day 21

Today I sheepshanked a lamb chop. I'm still a vegetarian, darn the luck. I ate the jar of mint jelly instead.

174 lbs.             Feb 3: Day 22

After a sweat-filled sunup-to-sundown roping work-out, complete with aching joints and bleeding nuckles, I abandoned further futile lasso maneuvers, sadly learning my lesson. It is probably impossible to loopknot tapioca.

174 lbs.             Feb 4: Day 23

Dieting makes a person extremely introspective. There's no food to occupy our mouths; so we allow it to creep into our minds.

I found myself fantasizing about Carmen Miranda, the lady with the tutti-frutti hats. Who wouldn't? She's got a tutti-frutti stash. I don't even know what tutti-frutti is; but I must have tutti-frutti.

I flipped on my video tape of The Gang's All Here, a crazed 1943 musical. I was mesmerized by a production number wherein Ms. Miranda and a chorus of cuties gyrated and waved humongous eight-foot long bananas at me.

I'm a normal, functioning male and, of course, this imagery gave me ideas. Did I mention I'm normal, functioning?

I pondered and, before I knew what happened, I scarfed down a large banana split at the Dairy Queen.

174 lbs.             Feb 5: Day 24

Once was not enough, I idled with anticipation alongside the drive-through intercom when the Dairy Queen opened.

They refused to serve me one of those enticingly big cones DQ's display on their premises. I decided to sue them for false advertising. I wanted a yard-high cone!

Compromising, I ate the equivalent 80 wimpy cones they placed inside my car. What a mess. Now folks will think I'm a slob.

174 lbs.             Feb 6: Day 25

I soundly chastised myself over my out-of-control conduct at the Dairy Queen. Vowing never to return (until I lose this weight), I pulled up to Wendy's take-out window and ordered a Frosty.

"Want fries with that?" said the cashier.

"Lady, I'm on a diet." I zoomed off.

175 lbs.             Feb 7: Day 26

I was lucky. The doctors released me from the hospital with only one collapsed lung and a mildly ruptured hernia.

Honest to God, a Frosty is not a milkshake?

Next time, I'll use a spoon and skip the straw.

173 lbs.             Feb 8: Day 27

Scales don't lie. I lost two pounds overnight! My hard work and determination must be paying off.

Before putting away the scale, I tipped my body double an extra fiver and wished him a nice day.

174 lbs.             Feb 9: Day 28

Outside a tattoo parlor, I considered having my whole body covered with a tattoo of me as a thin guy.

173 lbs.             Feb 10: Day 29

Time is running short. I grasped the demoralizing truth I might not reach my target weight within the planned 50 days. There are only three weeks remaining to lose 21 additional unwanted pounds.

I tottered aimlessly through the mall, chubby crocodile tears welling up and overflowing the banks of my deep, vulnerable, haunting, unforgettable, baby blue eyes.

"I'm large... I'm large... I'm large..." I gasped and whimpered to the assembled strangers shuffling about the Food Court, torrents of Mikey teardrops splashing rain puddles onto the partially eaten Gyro Wrap, clutched haphazardly with non-rippled, non-sinewy muscle power inside my left fist.

The Gyro in my right hand was, fortunately, in another weather pattern and remained unseasonably dry with a chance of consumption.

I made my way past a flurry of department stores and kitschy kiosks. The tides in my eyes flowed outwardly, blustery and savage. I realized in order to reach my weight goal, I had to give up food. I needed to fast completely, meaning no intake for weeks.

"But, how?" I asked.

"I don't know," I replied, raising my head to gaze across the shopping center at Macy's, The Gap, Sears, The Cryonics Boutique, Fudge on a Stick--

"WHOA!" I shouted and waddled off, hurriedly

I splurged, signing up for easy installment payments. I totally recommend the mega-sized Caramel Block on a Baseball Bat, although the Brownie on a Ping-Pong Paddle is mighty yummy.

I chomped down and tore off a jaw full of goo.

"Pssssssssst, Tubster," said the lab-coated gentleman standing at the door of The Cryonics Boutique. "Over here."

Wide-eyed, I pointed at myself and said, "Whmmg Mummeg?"

"Yes, you. And don't talk with your mouth full."

I don't know if it was kismet or sugar shock, but I staggered forward as he escorted me into the misty, chilled darkness.

To Be Continued...                      

---

Go to My Diet Diary: Episode One or Episode Two.

About the Guide: Will Mike Durrett survive the Cryonics Boutique? Well, duh. He wrote the stupid diary entry, didn't he? Nice Legs Read Mike's reminiscences of becoming an official Mining Co. trailblazer. Yep, it's a rerun.

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