Dateline: 02/11/99
Recently at The Mining Co., we suggested our entire network of expert Internet Guides compile Frequently Asked Questions for the benefit of you, the readers.
Here is one such list.
THE MIKE DURRETT SHOW Today's Episode |
Q: Shall we begin?
A: If we must.
Q: No, I meant is "Shall we begin?" a Frequently Asked Question?
A: You've asked it twice now.
Q: Shall we begin?
A: If we must. And, if you're scoring at home, that's three.
I'd like to read my opening statement.
Q: Mr. Durrett, do you feel that's really necessary?
A. Yes.
"My fellow Americans and Net citizens of the World Wide Web, I am appearing under subpoena today, denied my inalienable First Amendment rights, and the presence of an attorney.
"Let me stress one thing. I... did not... have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. Thank you."
Q: Aren't you going to wag your finger in our faces?
A: Oops, oh yeah.
<Wags finger in our faces.>
Q: Sir, there was no subpoena. We have a few questions concerning site submissions to your Mining Co. area. That's all.
A: You're not with CNN?
Q: No.
A: The Justice Department?
Q: No.
A: Tinky Winky?
Q: No.
A: Well, be quick about it. I must return to the work of the people. I do it, you know, for the children.
<He turns on #2 phony smile, raises hand with The Holy Bible and waves to adoring, cheering multitudes.>
Q: Nice teeth. Yours?
A: Yeah. The cheek implants are rentals.
Q. Let's continue. Here's a very FAQ. May I suggest a site for your NetLinks listings?
A. Absolutely. Take a moment to determine if the suggested site fits our General
Audience criteria. Many mature topics are fine for inclusion on our pages; however, site
approval or rejection often depends on the execution. Profanity can be a problem.
Q. What kind of sites would you most like to see submitted?
A. Funny.
Q. Well, doesn't that go without saying?
by Dale Taylor A warm daily comic strip centering on a Wiener Dog, a nutso squirrel and their buds. A favorite continuing feature of the Brunching Shuttlecocks ezine reviews everyday stuff, like cat toys, chess pieces, and deodorant scents. by Chandra K. Clarke Witty, weekly columns available online or via email. Toms Lake It's a topical joke letter delivered to your inbox every weekday with observations like: "On TV they had an expert who said Saint Valentine is not an official saint. Terrific. Next thing you know they’ll be telling us the Groundhog isn’t an official meteorologist." "Immediately after he was acquitted, Bill Clinton pledged to go out and find the real adulterers." A big categorized archive for much of that email humor we've all been buried under. Lots of grins for various tastes.Ugly Lamp Contest Humor in the News by Jim Rosenberg Fresh funnies inspired by the news. Examples: "South Korean automaker Daewoo soon will be the first car company to sell its automobiles over the Internet. You'll need at least a 28.8k modem to download a sedan; 56k for a truck or SUV." "On this day in 1789, electors unanimously chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States. Responding to questions about his actions in the swirling 'Treegate' scandal, Washington would only say 'it all depends on what the meaning of the word 'chop' is.'" A successful submission as featured
in with David Letterman - Selections from Dave's official site... Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV Top Ten Least Popular Self-Help Books Top Ten Things to Yell While Sliding Down a Fire Pole
|
A. You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Q. Would you like to see sites with well-polished, regularly updated, original content?
A. Hallelujah! Say "amen!"
Q. What kind of sites would you least like to see submitted?
A. Those dealing in dirty humor will likely be beyond our boundaries -- with the topical exception of William Jefferson Clinton, a fluky cultural phenomenon.
Q. Would you like me to repeat the phrase "well-polished, regularly updated, original content?"
A. Thank you, Grasshopper.
Q. What about one-shots?
A. You mean stand-alone material that'll never be updated. Fine, I'd like to see
them. There's lots of this great stuff on the Web and what makes it good is it's usually well-polished,
carefully considered comedy. Original content also gains points.
Q. Are you implying you aren't interested in sites that collect items from various outside sources?
A. Not exactly. My concern is the repetition factor. Many folks are duplicating the same chunks. There's a saturation point. For example, we don't need to link to every Web page that copies David Letterman's Top Ten lists when Dave has the originals on his definitive site.
If your collection is unique, please write me.
Q. Hey, aren't you supposed to list every Humor page on the Internet?
A. No way. The Mining Co.'s philosophy is different than search engines. A human
being -- not a robot -- hand-picks every link you'll find throughout this entire network.
All Guides are charged to find the best sites for his or her topic, weeding out the
superfluous and inappropriate.
Q. So, if you reject my site, does that mean you don't think it's funny?
A. It's rare for that to happen. I've passed on material which made me gasp with
laughter. It's an editorial decision, usually based on our current needs and the
parameters of this niche.
Q. Come on, you only feature the sites you find funny, don't you?
A. Wrong, Jessica Fletcher. Our Humor pages would be much diminished, if I did that. I publicly declare not every site in the NetLinks made me giggle.
I take the lessons I've learned observing what makes people laugh and try to broaden the scope of the entertainment you'll find here. Variety is important.
Q. Coffee?
A. Maybe later.
Q. Sugar?
A. Back at ya, my darling.
Q. No, I meant later; will you have sugar with the coffee?
A. Sorry. It's a good thing no one reads these instructional pieces. Yes, sugar, please.
Q. Where do we send these site suggestions?
A. To the infinite, bottomless postal reservoir known as humor.guide@about.com. I already have a gigantic mound of these locales to review; so it could be awhile before I'm able to work my way to the most recent submissions.
Q. Anything else?
A. I'm a walking apostle of hope and linkage.
Include your name, email address, and let me know if the site is your own. Whether it is or isn't won't influence the process. I'd like to know; so I can frame a proper reply.
Q. Will you keep this information confidential?
A. I'm going to spam your eyes out, sell your name, and buy a beach condo. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Q. You b@$*@^%!
A. That's not in the form of a question.
Q. Okay, who is a b@$*@^%, you?
A. Hey, I was kidding. It was a joke. No one will be spammed and that's not how you spell "bastard."
Q. Noted. What's the most important thing about comed--
A. Timing.*
<The Guide rises, puts on his miner's hat and #6 grin, and bows, pausing for photographs with wife, daughter, and dog before entering The Mine to dig the Web.>
Q. You have a daughter and a dog?
A. Nah, that ain't my wife either. They're props. Tell the intern to come on in here. I'm feeling expansive....
*A much quoted remark Mike first heard in the early '70s, told by Buddy Hackett.
|
Our Free Newsletter
Humor Bulletin Board
Previous Feature Articles
The permanent URL of this article is http://humor.about.com/library/weekly/aa021599.htm.