Dateline: 01/28/99
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THE MIKE DURRETT SHOW Episode Two: |
182 lbs. Jan. 16: Day 4
Oh, thrills, big whoop, and pass the gravy.
Last time, you'll remember, I told you I needed to lose 30 pounds. Here I am 72 hours into this diet and my net loss to date is zero, not even one of those insidious 480 ounces has disappeared. We're right back where I started from. Drat, I thought I'd be done by now.
I also said I would keep a journal of (alleged) progress. Okay, I will, but not today. I've got to get my mind off food. I'm going outside, maybe draw some landscapes. Now, where is my sketch pad?...
181 lbs. Jan. 17: Day 5
Yes, that's me up there. Flattering, ain't it? I've got a confession to make about the pose. I'm sucking in my gut.
Pretty much, that's been my exercise regime for the past year or so, gut-sucking. I do it religiously. I pray no one sees me exhale. Then I have wine and wafers, genuflect towards the kitchen, eat offerings, and pass the plate for another helping.
So did you notice? I've lost a whole pound. Cool, huh? I know what did the trick. When I was sketching yesterday, I invented a new exercise and tried it out. I did nine sets with 11 repetitions each. Wanna buy 99 parfait doodles?
180 lbs. Jan. 18: Day 6
Another pound down! I was so confidently thinner today, I showed my self-portrait to a few people. It's become my "Before" picture. Admittedly, I'm still quite a distance from "After." I'm sort of "Perhaps."
My mom reminded me "Perhaps" sounds so much nicer than "Fat Chance." I rue the day I bought her that medical dictionary.
181 lbs. Jan. 19: Day 7
The Yo-Yo Syndrome has started. I'm up a pound. Down and up, down and up, up and up, and up and down again. That's how my diets always go.
Why did I gain a pound? I was preoccupied with some comments I received about my self-portrait. I guess I didn't notice I was also chain-munching.
And just in case you're wondering, no I didn't touch up the brown in my hair. I put a bunch of gray into the drawing, okay? It doesn't show up, all right? Gee, you folks are brutal.
And, no, I didn't fall asleep under a tanning light. Yes, my skin is orange-tinged. As I told you last time, I ate a lot of Chee-tos.
178 lbs. Jan. 20: Day 8
Three pounds lost due to embarrassment. Being orange frazzles the nerves.
Large and orange isn't so bad in itself. It's those incessant kids begging for Garfield the Cat's autograph. They all want a bite of my lasagnas, too.
I do expect this orange skin color to subside. I've substituted tomatoes for the Chee-tos. I don't eat nearly as many tomatoes, which is good; otherwise, I'd have more red neck than KKK hickeys.
178 lbs. Jan. 21: Day 9
Four pounds vanished. Good news, but I crave more (and, of course, s'mores).
I implemented medical advice into my plan of action. Years ago, as I recalled, a doctor said to briskly circle the neighborhood, working up to two miles in under 28 minutes.
I did it in 26 -- not bad for a first timer. I would've finished more quickly; except I had to stop to siphon gas into the car.
178 lbs. Jan. 22: Day 10
Desperate, I cut out all food. I made the hard decision to fast. Whomever named this process was nuts. We don't "fast," we "slow."
Today's every waking moment was consumed with thoughts of the various foods I wasn't eating. I especially enjoyed not eating the Choco-Tacos. I availed myself to a second and third hundred non-servings. I'm still waiting for the waiter to bring me my check and more chips. Even in my fantasies, these two things elude me.
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We mine the Net so you don't have to. FAT!SO? Hello JELL-O Udder Insanity Related fun as featured in Bob and Ray's Overstocked Warehouse Got Milk? The Game Wacky Uses Lasagna from Heaven More Garfield: Garfield.com About the Guide:
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177 lbs. Jan. 23: Day 11
Continuing the fast another day might have been a mistake.
10:03 a.m. -- In a floor covering store, I hallucinated carpet tile sammiches. Hold the Scotchguard.
10:05 a.m. -- I was escorted to the curb after garnishing a lambskin rug with mint jelly.
7:40 p.m. -- I found myself pouring syrup on sneaker waffle treads.
176 lbs. Jan. 24: Day 12
The third day of the fast was mostly a blur.
11:51 p.m. -- I was sent to bed without my supper.
11:52 p.m. -- I threw a temper tantrum. I felt an obligation to do so. It's all part of the universe's complicated system of checks and balances.
176 lbs. Jan. 25: Day 13
The three-day fast was over. A personal triumph of willpower!
12:00:01:01 a.m. -- I phoned Pizza Hut.
177 lbs. Jan. 26: Day 14
Not once did I think of food. I was still stunned from yesterday's greasy, cheesy, heartburn-induced nightmare. The one where everyone points, stares, and screams because I'm naked in public -- except, I'm not. The flab hides my shorts.
And socks.
178 lbs. Jan. 27: Day 15
I looked at a calendar. Nearly one third of this projected 50-day diet had elapsed, with only four pounds of successful shrinkage. I had to buckle down, try harder, grow mean and lean. It would be excruciatingly difficult to lose the 26 remaining pounds by March 4th. I reaffirmed my commitment to cuteness. This weight shall be shed. I would be thin and tweakable again.
I had never been more serious.
176 lbs. Jan. 28: Day 16
"Yeah, gimme a double stack of hotcakes! Triple triple omelets -- Cheddar! Swiss! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! -- Belgian waffle! Jam! French toast! Vanilla shake! Hash browns! Lemon pie a la mode! Fries and a Grand Slam Breakfast for dessert!" I begged the waiter. "And hurry!"
Oh, I wasn't going to eat today. I was timing my March 5th victory meal. This food is extra-delicious; but the service-- well, hey, it's Denny's.
To Be Continued...
Go to My Diet Diary: Episode 1
Self-portrait ©1999 by Mike Durrett. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
The permanent URL of this article is http://humor.about.com/library/weekly/aa012899.htm.
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