Speaking of the 20th anniversary of "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial," I recalled some additional 20-years-old writings of mine.

Golly, I feel like Milton Berle and Bob Hope, talking about my joke files. Cool. We wise guys love any excuse to recycle.

Anyway, with minor tweaking for modern scientific advancements, here are helpful ...

E.T. Close Encounter Tips
Tuesday, October 29 :: 9:09 p.m. :: permalink

1) When the spaceship lands, remember your priorities. Ask if there are any single stews aboard.

2) E.T.s will not attack unless provoked. So never fire weapons. Or hook-up your Walkman to their antlers.

3) Never kiss an E.T. It might catch something.

4) Aliens are bored with Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader and "Star Wars." E.T.s prefer the mindboggling sci-fi adventures of Zack and Screetch and "Saved by the Bell."

5) You can ease an E.T.'s homesickness by treating it to a wallet photo of your boss.

6) Never play a Kenny G. album. E.T.s could be rendered sterile.

7) Always serve E.T.s coffee in a paper cup. Otherwise, they might fly your china.

8) E.T.s come to this planet to solve the greatest mysteries of the universe. Like: Whatever happened to Bobby Buntrock? Why would McLean Stevenson leave "M*A*S*H" for "Hello Larry"? And Michael Jackson's kidding, ain't he?

9) Unfortunately, E.T.s cannot phone home. There aren't that many quarters in the whole world.

10) Some E.T.s are naked, so don't point and say: "Car accident?"


Copyright ©1982, 2002 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.