Mikey's Colonoscopy Corner
Thursday, October 17 :: 5:37 p.m. :: permalink

I endured a long Tuesday, fasting in preparation for my colonoscopy.

Kids, that's one of the perks of growing older.

I'm up to anal probes and Subway sandwich discounts.

A few more years, diapers and free beets.

My doctor assured me a colonoscopy is a normal part of a physical exam for people my age. He said it from the little smiley face drawn on his prostate-checking finger.

--Oh, pardon me for not introducing you. He's Clutch Hangnail.

So, I abandoned food for 35 hours and drank enough water to flood my system and float a boat to see Popeye 'n' Swee'Pea and drink their water.

Then came the mystery cleansing goo, a grizzly, noxious concoction I guzzled down, evacuating everything from my digestive system, plus, maybe, a spine I kept in the back.

It was such a pleasant experience, I serenaded the movements with verses of "Whistle While You Duodenum."

Yesterday, upon arriving at the hospital, I was ordered to strip to my socks and model a hospital gown tied in the back. I felt silly vogueing through the Gastrointestinal Lab. Naomi Campbell is looking old.

Shortly thereafter, a nurse wheeled rumperriffic me into the mostly darkened procedure room.

"Ahh," I said, "mood lighting."

I was instructed to roll onto my side because the gala festivities were about to commence. Thank God, there was no national anthem.

Ordinarily, I would've been highly embarrassed to expose myself to four strangers, three female, but I realized I was the only one in the room who did not choose a life of staring up folks. They went to school to do this! It was an elective! If anyone should've been embarrassed, it was the spelunkers.

After sedation, I went out like a light wearing no pants.

The next I knew, I was no longer eligible for virgin sacrifice. It was over.

The verdict? I'm healthy and still saving money at Subway. (Cheese, add 10¢.)

Bottom line: I never felt the intrusion or discomfort. And I'm still mad no one offered to sit in for me.


Copyright ©2002 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.