Playing Ketchup
Monday, April 8 :: 9:44 p.m. :: link

:: "Well, Mike, that's what a week feels like," I said to myself, rolling the grocery cart through the supermarket. It seems my wife and I are in the routine of restocking the homestead after dinner each Monday.

"Turn on your heart light," warbled Neil Diamond somewhere above Paper Plates and Sporks, aisle eight.

"Do I hear thunder?" asked Donna, eyeing the saucy gallery of Paul Newmans.

"Yeah, it's gonna rain in the Produce department," I said. "It's cute what they do to jazz-up the fondling guava melons experience."

More stormy sound effects could be heard as the display case sprinklers watered the fresh vegetables.

"Do I hear Neil Diamond?"

--"Hey, look at this ketchup!" I interjected, hoping to avoid our usual in-store radio debate.

"Eww, that's gross."

"No, it's not. It's cool. They're making ketchup in different new colors. Let's try the EZ Squeeze Funky Purple!"

"I'm not eating that on a hotdog," Donna snapped.

"Why, it tastes exactly like regular ketchup. How 'bout the Blastin' Green??"

"Are you nuts?"

"It's what all the cool kids are eating," I said, enhancing the appeal with my most mature inflection.

She gave me the silent blink.

"OK, let's get this bottle of Mystery Color ketchup."

Donna held me in her death-ray vision, and blinked. I swear I heard shattered glass.

"See, with the Mystery Color, you don't know until you squirt," I said, laying out the scientific proof.

"I'm familiar with the concept, Michael."

"It might be Passion Pink, or Awesome Orange, or Totally Teal."

Another she-blink. This one was deafening.

We wound up buying Old Boring Red, but I did get a compromise out of her. When Heinz freezes over and makes Mediterranean Mauve, we'll see.


:: Current mood: mournful
:: Current music: "You Say 'To-may-toe,' I Say 'Toe-mah-toe'"


Copyright ©2002 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved. I want a book deal, dammit.