I walked through Shopping Mall U.S.A. Its location is not important, a center
indistinguishable from any other indoor community of row stores and long
pedestrian-friendly runways, cluttered with casual consumers and nubile jailbait wannabes
commingled around a mostly irrelevant assortment of squatting knick-knack kiosks. I ambled
left at the shoe emporium to shortcut my way through the Food Court.
As if on cue, hyper toothpick-wielding counter clerks decked out in festive ill-fitting
paper fry-flipper hats strained vigorously over their display cases to wave unsolicited
chunky meat under my nose.
You want?! You want?! Eat a free! It FREE!" they chanted in unison,
not unlike a neighborhood theatre production of "A Chorus Line," but with greasy
pork bites and nary a danseuse.
I smiled cordially, nodded my sorrow to pass their company empty-piggy-morseled, and
thought, "Get friggin' real," as is the American Way.
I reached the restroom for a moment of intermission and, I prayed, an absence of free
samples.
I don't know what implied fascination is to be contained within an hysterical eatery
stranger's frenzied offering of giveaway flesh and gristle. Do potential diners really
drop everything to impulse chomp on piping-lukewarm animal carnage marinated in runny suey
ooze?
Apparently, this much performed sales technique is effective and and a cash cow (diced
into cubes of moo meat, no doubt), but I find it offensive and annoying.
After a luxurious respite, I dared an admiring glance into the public sink mirror, where I
wiggled eyebrows at myself, then gave a congratulatory thumbs-up and a dazzle-drenched
flash of my pearly whites and floss crevasses. I exited the Men's and retraced my steps
through the Food Court.
"You want?! You want?! Eat a free! It FREE!"
"AAAGGGHHH!!" I screamed. "That's it. I need a vacation."
I ran to the car, determined to relocate myself to a change of scenery. First, I'd need to
make some plans and reservations, plus type and publish my going-to-the-potty story. (I do
default to reason.)
Meanwhile, the fast food meat-pushers terrorized a rugrat with impaled chicky.
To Be Continued...
