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August 31, 2001
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by Mike Durrett

Disturbing Auctions
Whenever I'm shut-in and can't browse the Cheap Crap For A Dollar Store at the mall, I turn to Internet auctions to discover enticing dust-catchers I can squirt money on and and then spend the rest of my days totally agape. Perhaps, the folks at this site have been doing the same because they've scavenged some first-class garbage for sale, artifacts of real life humor.

Among the wonders on display with pleasingly insulting commentary are Stinky the Conch Shell Pelican, Elf Head Ash Tray, Disembodied Farrah Fawcett Heads, Deer Butt, Cranky Clown Lava Lamp, Santa Toilet Seat Cover, Gator Bride, Big Hands Baby, Moose Cream Jug, Wienermobile Pedal Car, and Naked Campbell's Kids ("Chicken Soup for the Pedophile's Soul").

There's some stuff you can probably live without, too.

To my surprise, one of the items featured is a Dean Martin Hand Puppet. Well, if they find that disturbing, I guess I shouldn't mention I own the similar, but exceptionally insane, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Hand Puppet. It has one head only with back-to-back faces of the legendary showbiz team molded into rubber. I'm speaking with it now. The boys want you to see their new Paramount comedy, "The Caddy." It'll make you--

--Uh, thank you, Jerry. He means well, folks.

So what if my doll is a 50-years-old grotesquerie? I like it! I like it!

OK, who wants to start the bids at $3500?

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