''Greetings, fellow losers! I'm Pam. After I lost my job, my health insurance, and my Prozac, the voices in my head came back, and now I can tell the future. Rad, huh?'''

Monthly, she presents a new forecast for each zodiac sign so you can prepare for your next indignity. Ms. Heffernin doesn't mince words and is not afraid to include adult content to underscore your future lowlife ways with accuracy.

Here's an excerpt which lunged off the page at me:

Scorpio: ''Everyone likes to think they have a sense of humor, but in your case, you couldn't be more wrong. Your horrible magnitude of unfunny has cost you many things -- relationships, jobs, respect, and the love of your parents. Daddy never would have left when you were eight if you could have made him smile. You're such a disappointment. You should just give up....''

Whatcha looking at? I'm a Pisces.