The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine

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This water-propelled marvel with whirling suede sneakers resides in Wirtz, Virginia, and will punt you silly.

The kindly folks at Ass-Kicker Central (via Internet Archive) share photographs, commentary, and technical diagrams of The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine. They also answer an obvious question: "Does The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine Really Kick Ass?"

"We are almost certain it kicks big-time ass. (Inventor Bob Booth's) anecdotal report about being attacked by the ass-kicker when he got too close to it and 'it started up by itself,' plus the rugged design and Bob's conservative output rating of 100 asses per minute convince us that this device does, indeed, kick ass."

Hey, I'm convinced, too. In fact, I'm hankering to commission The World's Only Second Ass-Kicking Machine. I've got plans:

1. Telemarketers
2. Politicians
3. Dumbass kids
4. The cast of "Cats"
5. Terrorists

In that order. Bend over.

The World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine