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Humr! Quick Quips

Today's Comedy Quote

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The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Getting Old
15> All he wants to do is watch "Catlock."
11> Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.
6> Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

-- The Top Five List, TopTop Lists.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
                                     --John Mendoza

The top honors (at the Cannes Film Festival) went to Rosetta, a Belgian film about the adventures of a young unemployed woman. The film already has a U.S. distributor so American audiences can soon pretend to like it.
                               --The Daily Show

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
                                     -- George Carlin

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
                                  --David Letterman

The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad.You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.
                                   --Jay Leno

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.
                                      --Conan O'Brien

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
                                         -- Mark Twain

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
                                             -- Jay Leno

A group of protesters who are very unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street.
                                    -- Conan O'Brien

There's the story about this flight attendant for British Airways. So, they land the airplane and the flight attendant takes off all her clothes and puts on one of those yellow life vest things and a pilot's cap. Then she runs around the plane, because she lost a bet. I'm thinking, wait a minute this sounds more like Air Force One.
                                -- David Letterman

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires.
                                  -- Dorothy Parker

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
                                 -- Jack Handey

640K of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody. 
                                 -- Bill Gates, 1981

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
                                        --Woody Allen

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
                                             -- Jay Leno

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
                                          -- Yogi Berra

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
                                   -- Conan O'Brien

If at first you don't succeed... forget skydiving.
                                        -- Anonymous

Congratulations are in order to Woody Allen. He and Soon-Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
                               -- David Letterman

Critics have complained that (Billy) Joel is so derivative that he even ripped off his motorcycle accident from Bob Dylan.
                            -- The Daily Show

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
                                  -- Steven Wright

Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.
-- Anonymous

And in other birthday news, TV mogul Aaron Spelling turned 74 today.
Also turning 74 today: crap.
                                      -- Craig Kilborn

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.
                                        -- Mel Brooks

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
                                       -- Anonymous

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
                               -- Wendy Leibman

Leo July 23-Aug 22.
The laptop computer you bought from the pawn shop turns out to have a virus. You catch it.
                                       -- Swami River

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
                                   -- Conan O'Brien

This is a busy time for President Clinton. Not only does he have that thing in Kosovo, it's also prom season.
                                              -- Jay Leno

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
                                 -- Erma Bombeck

Wayne Gretzky is a national icon in his native Canada, where hockey is a way of life, that keeps young people away from drugs, crime and forming Loverboy.
The Daily Show newsletter, 4/14/99

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
                                         -- Mark Twain

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
                                   -- Conan O'Brien

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
                                                                        -- David Letterman, 4/9/99

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
                                        -- Groucho Marx

Today's Comedy Quote

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