So, cutting to the chase, here are the things I won't be telling you about: 1. Speeding sleepily along I-40, praising my lucky stars (Ida Lupino and Carrot Top) for allowing me to slurp chunky milkshake treats at 8:30 in the morning. 2. The common man's moon pie I enjoyed thoroughly, intensely, and in The Fourth Dimension! 3, 4, 5. Blue Hairs Meet That Modern Miracle, the Toaster; my mistaking downtown Sante Fe for Morocco; and tailored clothes made out of flan. These final three items are the components of one incident, obviously. We mustn't get wound down repeating the animated shrieks of the bulbous-elbowed dowager named Madge and her coven, Lilith, Edwina, and Bird, who jabbed lethal plastic sp'orks at a live toaster crammed with a plump, chocolate icing-slathered donut. My wife and I managed to flee the fire, while Madge rummaged the utensils for "A kn'oon! We need a kn'oon!" Compounded by a certain Moroccan Chamber of Commerce's hurt feelings of mistaken identity, and a best forgotten personal revelation that the hot New Mexico sun makes customized custard shorts curdle, these milestones shan't be mentioned. Yes, I know. I concur. It is a terrible, terrible sacrifice, but we must be big. We must set examples for future generations, and move on. Chins up, lassies. Be brave, lads.
Bing Crosby and Bob Hope in Paramount's "Road to Morocco," 1942. Or, maybe, it's Sante Fe, 1998.
Okay, now we're at Meteor Crater. It's a big hole, measuring 4000 feet across and 550 feet deep. The crater was made 50,000 years ago, on a Tuesday, I believe, just after ghost stories and marshmallows. KA-THWAP! Deep impact! The humongous flaming rock from outer space, estimated at 150 feet in diameter and traveling at 40,000 miles per hour, hit, singed the remaining marshmallows, and inflicted gigantic destruction. Not much could be done. Bruce Willis wasn't reachable on his beeper.
Literature for Meteor Crater boasts "Twenty football games could be played simultaneously on its floor." Mike the Guide, surveying the hole, says, "Why would you want to?" Okay, now we're near the Grand Canyon. I've heard there may be some erosion problems. We best move on. Okay, now we're at some other places. And some other places. Several more. Yes, a couple of Wal-Marts. CLICK TO CONTINUE to Page 3 of this article (Episode 5) All photographs used by
permission. |
Okay,
we're at Arizona -- specifically, Canyon de Chelly National Monument. See the picture?
That's where we are. Oooooo, we're high up on a ledge. Ooooo, look down there near the
middle. See that fine brown line? That's a dirt road. Okay, buy a t-shirt. Get in the car.
We're leaving.
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