Nosing Around for Bob Hope Jokes?
Bob Hope Jokes
"I felt I wasn't getting anywhere in England." -- Explaining why his family emigrated to the USA when he was four.
"I always like to go to Washington, DC. It gives me a chance to visit my money." -- On touring the US Treasury.
"Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career."
"My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade."
"Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people." -- To GIs based in Alaska.
"The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie -- and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark ..."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
"It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing." -- On traveling in the Concorde.
"A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal." -- On President Carter.
"Lots of travel, away from home." -- Explaining his long and happy marriage.
"I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else." -- At the age of 91.
"I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support."
"Fish don't applaud." -- On cutting short a cruise his doctor had ordered him to take.
"If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it." -- Denying reports during a Christmas troop show in Saigon that he was worth $500 million.
"Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off and it was so successful she turned it into a series."
"Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless." -- On hearing about his 1998 knighthood.
--Thanks to Zeppo in the Humor Forum.
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