Police Report: Sausagegate
Friday July 11, 2003
''THE VICTIM: Italian Sausage
THE ALLEGED PERPETRATOR: Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon
SCENE OF THE CRIME: Third-base side of Miller Park, Milwaukee, Wis. ...
THE INCIDENT: As the four sausages were coming toward the finish line during their traditional race after the sixth inning, Simon allegedly whacked Italian Sausage over the head with a wood bat (presumably uncorked), causing the meat of the savory Italian variety to fall to the ground and also trip up the Hot Dog in the process. The Polish and the Brat somehow managed to escape harm. ...'' ESPN shares the complete, official police report. (Thanks to cub reporter Stan Malone for the tip.)
Extras: Weird Newsroom | Satire Newsroom
THE ALLEGED PERPETRATOR: Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon
SCENE OF THE CRIME: Third-base side of Miller Park, Milwaukee, Wis. ...
THE INCIDENT: As the four sausages were coming toward the finish line during their traditional race after the sixth inning, Simon allegedly whacked Italian Sausage over the head with a wood bat (presumably uncorked), causing the meat of the savory Italian variety to fall to the ground and also trip up the Hot Dog in the process. The Polish and the Brat somehow managed to escape harm. ...'' ESPN shares the complete, official police report. (Thanks to cub reporter Stan Malone for the tip.)
Extras: Weird Newsroom | Satire Newsroom
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